Despair

Have you ever felt so bad that you feel like you’ve been sucked inside yourself and nothing exists outside of you, at least from an awareness perspective? I think that’s what I’ve been feeling for the past 4 days. I haven’t left the house, I’ve hardly left my bedroom, and I’ve not really done much talking. I still do what needs to be done as far as taking care of the children, cleaning, and feeding the family, but even they sense something is wrong. They run to daddy when they fall and get hurt.

I'm not sick in the physical sense, but I'm emotionally ailing.

Today I feel a little better and that’s why I can write and at least get some of it out.

I can’t really even put into words the eruption and overwhelming sense of sadness and despair in my heart. I know what triggered the sinking into this despondent oblivion, but that’s beside the point. The point is I’m here. That black cloud in my periphery, which I thought had disappeared, was hiding around the corner all along. I opened my eyes and found myself standing in the midst of this terrible whipping frenzy of a storm and didn’t even know how I got here.

It’s almost like I was a small snowball accidentally kicked off the side of a mountain (like in the cartoons) and while gaining speed and momentum, my emotions also gained in size and strength, until so big with nowhere else to go, I crashed into a giant oak tree at the bottom. It all exploded. Now I’m left with fragments of myself scattered for miles and I don’t even know where to begin picking up the pieces.

It’s dark and lonely, but no person can help me. I just want to be alone. I want God to fix me. I want my bowel back. I want my child back. I want my life back.

From the moment I woke up in the hospital, I did the right thing. I forgave. I focused. I worked hard to get my physical strength back. I came home. I found a small task to give me purpose. I rested. I wrote. I cried out to God. I focused on Him. I relied on Him. I trusted in Him. I smiled. I laughed. I cried. I grieved…or so I thought.

And yet, in one moment, it all came crashing down and I came apart.

I am broken.

And no, I don’t want to talk. I just want to feel. I want to let the pain wash over me again and again so I know I’m alive, for when I don’t, I begin to wonder what it would have been like if I hadn’t woken up.

Perhaps for the best?

Oh, God in heaven above, help me. Remember me. Do not forget your servant. I know you never left me. I know you’re with me still. You can do anything. Make me right again. Make me whole. I am so weak, nothing compared to you, insignificant really, in the thread of history you’re directing. This heart of mine, though, the one you inhabit, it cries for mercy; it cries for peace. There is no strength left in me to fight. There is no strength in me to speak aloud these things I feel.

I want a sabbatical from this drudgery. I want to go to a cozy cabin in the snow-capped mountains and commune with my God. I want to find solace in Him, in who He created me to be.

I need to be alone, and I am never alone.