Thursday, July 21st, marks the one-year anniversary of the loss of my baby and small intestine. I have written several things, none of which truly encompass my state of being, so I did not post any of them.
I did, however, write this poem, in honor of my unknown child. Bear with me, as I am no poet.
My child, my child, your corpse in the grave
Grieves my heart still, in wave after wave.
I look back, remember, upon that black screen
Those ill-fated words, imprecatingly mean.
So deathly, so still, that small forming one
Curled onto its side, a daughter or son.
My heart knew at once that this was all wrong.
No hope swelled within, no life-changing song.
My sweet darling baby, so precious, so true
Wouldn’t I trade places, if I could, with you?
Your life, barely started, was gone in a flash,
Why this one, I cry, in anguishing gnash?
Why this one, I cry, Oh God can’t you see?
I’d love him, I promise, just believe this of me.
My eyes unseeing and full, my heart heavy as stone,
I called your daddy to be not alone.
Quickly he came, his sorrow controlled,
Hold me, I begged, so I don’t feel the cold.
My sweet darling baby, so precious, so true
Wouldn’t I trade places, if I could, with you?
How long I did carry you was not long enough
For I fear I am made of much weaker stuff.
I wanted to hold you, caress, shield with my best
But I couldn’t keep death from collecting its next guest.
Now you are protected from all this worlds’ hurt
No one will harm you, hate you, subvert.
I know where you are, in heaven with my Lord
And his angels each wielding a celestial sword.
My sweet darling baby, so precious, so true
Wouldn’t I trade places, if I could, with you?
I miss you so dearly, most cherished of lives,
Meet you I will, though life currently deprives.
One year later, I still feel the pain of your loss,
I swallow, type blindly, and look to the cross.
For there is one far greater who eases all pain
He gave His life, and with His Father they do reign.
Child, you gave your life and I my small intestine,
To fulfill what Christ had already predestined.
Still…
My sweet darling baby, so precious, so true
Wouldn’t I trade places, if I could, with you?
(photo of a photo that sits on my mantle, courtesy Jon McFarling)
3 comments:
This is so beautiful, Audrea...thank you for sharing.
As I read your beautiful poem, I thought of Psalm 139 . . . in particular . . . For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:13-16 I continue to pray for you!
Thank you for sharing as so many of us who lost a child can relate and it is a balm to our hearts. We grieve with you still for your loss. It does warm my heart that our sweet babies might be keeping each other company with a few other cousins! Love you, Audrea!
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