You said WHAT?

Sometimes I do really stupid things. Sometimes I say something really dumb like a few weeks ago when I called my mother-in-law’s ex-boyfriend by her ex-husband’s name. Now that was embarrassing. Today, however, I incriminated myself in another manner.

With my family, I speak very candidly about my bowel problems. I don’t use a whole lot of caution when speaking to friends and others who know about my situation, but I might choose less obtuse words during these conversations. With my family, whatever comes out comes out. I do have 5 brothers, remember, and no sisters….but today I nearly did myself in.

If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll know that I’ve had awful diarrhea since last Sunday, and the pain and rawness have been so unbearable that I’ve spent many an hour just soaking my poor substructure in the tub. My friend’s mom even sent me a new powder to try “Lady Anti-Monkey Butt” (picture below). The name made me laugh, but that’s the only way it’s brought relief. Going on six days here, I knew something was wrong because it usually only takes me a day or two to heal and I’m not healing. In fact, I was up until 2 a.m. last night because I couldn’t sleep due to the throbbing and pain.

As I wasn’t really anxious to have a doctor examine my backside, I thought I’d ask the nurse, who does my blood work, what she thought I should do. Today she told me what my problem most likely was and it wasn’t what I’d anticipated. Since I’d spent the morning with my sister-in-law, Kim, yesterday, and we couldn’t go out anywhere like we’d planned because my derriere was on fire in between bouts of diarrhea, I immediately called her on the way home to fill her in.

As soon as she picked up the phone and said “hello” I launched into “Well, I know what’s wrong with me. I have a yeast infection in my bung hole. I didn’t even know I could get one there.” Kim is a kindergarten teacher and a more patient, understanding, and sympathetic ear you will not find. We began to discuss my problem, the remedy, and whether or not I needed to use the applicator and actually insert it you-know-where. Frankly, the thought of it made me a little squeamish, but since she assured me that likely wasn’t necessary, I felt better about self-medicating with the cream and just my finger.

In the middle of our conversation, she said “hold on, I need to order Hannah (her daughter) some food.” Apparently, she was in her car, a fancy little black Ford SUV with all the bells and whistles, and was going through a drive through for orange chicken and white rice. I was silent for a moment as she ordered and then I started teasing her for how she was asking, through the order box, the difference between a kid’s medium drink cup and an adult small one.

She laughed with me and then said, “Hold on. Let me take you off speaker phone.”

I immediately said “Oh, you had me on speaker phone? I’m really glad you weren’t in a place full of people when I told you I HAD A YEAST INFECTION IN MY BUNG HOLE!”

Yes, I was a little loud on that last part to emphasize what I didn’t want others to hear.

It was dead silent on her end and then I heard her begin to giggle, then stop, then giggle again.

Evidently, she’d pulled up to the window during my comment in order to collect her food, had trouble taking me off speakerphone, and my voice was booming quite noisily through HER RADIO!

I could hear her struggling not to snicker as she was paying the gal at the window, but it wasn’t until she finished, that she managed to fill me in on what actually transpired.

Kim said she couldn’t even look the girl in the eye as she handed her the money because she knew she wouldn’t be able to control her laughter….but, she tried to make me feel better by saying the girl probably didn’t hear me because she was completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

Sigh. This big mouth of mine. I did learn 3 important lessons however.

1. Lesson 1: Remind myself that this is the reason mom tried to get me to speak like a lady, and not like my brothers, while I was growing up.
   
   
2. Lesson 2: Always ask if I’m on the speakerphone that comes through the radio in newer model cars.
   
   
3. Lesson 3: Work on not using “bung hole” to describe my exit-only.